Veterans Day Parade Planning Committee Report, 11/10/2013

Each year, your local Veterans Day Parade Planning Committee receives hundreds of suggestions on how we can improve our local Veterans Day celebration. We want you to know that we appreciate your suggestions and that we read each and every one of them. (Yes, even yours, “John Galt2000,” but, again, we will need an actual name and mailing address.)

Obviously, we cannot implement every great idea we receive. Every year, for example, we receive excellent suggestions for Grand Marshall. Unfortunately, most of the suggested nominees are simply not within our budget. We cannot afford Dick Cheney or Robert McNamara or Henry Kissinger, just to name a few of the more popular suggestions.

As for the person who suggested our town’s last surviving World War II veteran, what a lovely idea! Sadly, however, we no longer have one.

For the record, and for future reference, we will NEVER accept any of the following:

  • Candy bullets.
  • Morphine taco trucks.
  • The “PTSD Players” reenactment of the My Lai Massacre, while interesting, simply does not fit into the “spirit” of the festivities. (You need not send any more videos. Thank you.)
  • Synchronized drone flyover. (Again, this is largely a budget issue.)
  • Abu Ghraib Costume Ball. (We think we know what’s going on here — we saw those costumes at the Halloween party!)
  • Crucifixion dog-chews. (Seriously, we didn’t bite on Easter. Why would we want them now?)

To conclude, we, the committee, thank you for your continued interest. Please come to the parade tomorrow and show your support for the Veterans Day Parade Committee, and to the veterans who make our continued existence possible.